Caring for someone with cancer
You may still be adjusting to the news that someone you know has cancer, and that you will be their carer. You may be wondering what carers do. You may be worried about the impact being a carer will have on your life and how caring might affect your relationship with the person with cancer.
You may also be questioning how you will manage the emotional and physical needs of the person you are caring for during the stages of cancer. Perhaps you have been providing care for some time and need some reassurance.
This information aims to support you in your role as a carer. You may relate to several of the emotions and feelings described here, and you might learn practical tips on how to balance the of caring, family, work and your own needs.
Your role as carer is valuable. Many carers have said they are better people for the experience of caring.
Becoming a carer is not always a natural progression or straightforward. You may feel forced into being a carer, and pressured into taking on a caring role. You may have conflicting demands such as a young family or a busy job, or not be very close to the person you care for.
Becoming a carer is probably a big change for you, and it may take some time to adjust to your new role and responsibilities. It is quite natural to have strong emotions; feeling confused and stressed is common. You may think the only way to cope is to put aside your own feelings and needs. This may work in the short term, but it will be hard to maintain, and your health may be affected. As a carer you have an important role, and you must be healthy and well to perform at your best. A carer needs to care for themselves too.
How will I feel?
A carer often experiences a range of feelings about their role and responsiblities. It’s common to feel as if you are on an emotional rollercoaster. It may help to know that your feelings are normal, and they are similar to those experienced by the person with cancer.
Common reactions:
- fear
- anger and frustration
- loneliness
- guilt
- depression
- stress.
Ways to cope
Some carers use a diary to record their role as they find it helps:
- give them some perspective – for example, reading what you wrote yesterday may help you see that today is a better day
- release some of their own worries or frustrations and see them in a different light
- acknowledge their feelings
Don’t expect to be perfect, sometimes you may feel like you could have handled the situation better or done something differently. It’s okay to make mistakes and each new day gives you a chance to try again. You may expect too much from yourself, and you may need to learn not to be so hard on yourself. No one is perfect; you’re doing the best you can.
Caring for someone with advanced cancer
The person you are caring for may have been told that they have advanced cancer – cancer that won’t go away and is unlikely to be cured. You may both be trying to come to terms with this and experiencing a range of strong emotions such as fear and sadness.
Caring for someone with advanced cancer can be frightening. You may find that you try not to think about this very much and focus on the everyday practical matters.
As the illness progresses, their needs may change and a different type of care may be required. You may have to reassess the type of care you can offer and who else can help.
It may be necessary for the person with cancer to be admitted to hospital or another type of care facility. Some carers feel guilty doing this but handing over the everyday care to somebody else will allow you to spend more time just being together. If you like, you can still help staff look after them.
The place of death may be more important to some people than others. This is an important issue to discuss with the person you’re caring for. Some people may prefer to be in a hospital or hospice. Some people prefer to die at home in familiar surroundings and in the company of their family. One of you may have strong views, making the decision easier. If the person with cancer is not clear what they’d like, it may be good to discuss it now to avoid any regrets or feelings of guilt later.
Palliative care
The aim of palliative care is to enhance the quality of life of people with cancer and help them maintain their independence for as long as possible. It also supports carers in their role.
Palliative care is tailored to an individual’s case and involves the coordination of services to meet their medical, emotional, spiritual and social needs.
A GP or community health nurse can coordinate palliative care but if the needs of the person with cancer change, they will be referred to a specialist palliative care team.
Anticipatory grief
Many carers experience anticipatory grief. This is the grief you feel when you are expecting a loss such as death. Anticipatory grief feels similar to grief after a loss, for example, depression, extreme concern for the person, preparing for the death and beginning to think about what life is going to be like without the person.
Anticipatory grief can give family and friends time to slowly get used to the death, to say what they want to say or tell the person what they have meant in your life.
This type of grief may not always occur, and it can be different to the grief a carer experiences when the person dies. The grief experienced before a death does not make the grief after the death last a shorter amount of time.
Death and grief
If the person you have been caring for dies, you may feel a range of emotions, including:
- numbness and shock, even if you thought you had prepared for this moment
- sadness
- relief that you are free of your caring responsibilities and can now make plans for your own future
- anger towards the doctors or the hospital, God or the deceased person for dying
- guilt that you are thinking of yourself at this time.
All these emotions are normal. Feeling relief or guilt is not a sign that you didn’t care. These emotions may come and go and change in intensity over time.
Source: NSW Cancer Council
Resources
NSW Cancer Council - Caring for someone with cancer (PDF 942KB)